DON'T FORGET THIS MOMENTS

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Q:How do you know you're in a gay church?
A:Only half of the congregation is kneeling!
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Q:What do gay guys call their condoms?
A:Mud flaps!
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Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass.
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Q:How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
A:He spits on his partners back.
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Q:What another word for a gay farmer?
A:A jolly rancher.
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Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Wow! You really do taste like chicken.
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Q:What do gay guys eat for dessert?
A:Nuts on top of a brownie.
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FIFA Top 10

10. TURKEY

9. PORTUGAL

8. CZECH REPUBLIC

7. ARGENTINA

6. BRAZIL

5. CROATIA

4. NETHERLANDS

3. GERMANY

2. ITALY

1. SPAIN

FIFA RANGLIST

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Cheater

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".


Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his
first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

Bad Day at the Gym

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a
question on the final exam.
The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience.
Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He
wrote:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a
child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius
friend who lived overseas.

Stupid Goalkeepers

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese
bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."
The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?
The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any
rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of
the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from
the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new
months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Fishing Fun

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Comedy Football - Don't Mistake

Woman:
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.

King Football

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!

Compilation: Best Skills!

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

The Most Hilarious Urban Football Ever

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Top 10 Unlucky Shots

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."

Guy Falls Off His Bike But It Keeps On Racing

"WOMEN." So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet
so powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an "experience man".
If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way."

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, "Oh! it's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If she talks, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short,
Oh God!! You created those creatures called
"WOMEN."
So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so
powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O Lord, tell me what to do, A MEN!!!."

Adidas Originals: Original Games

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.

You Must See It!

An actual ad in the London Times.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Best Funny Moments in Sports

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why
don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of
stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's how you get babies". Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye
to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

Football

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his
wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his
little boy and sent this note to his wife:

"THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED."

The wife answered the note and sent it back with the boy. It read:

"TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY."

So he sent another note down. It read:

"THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

"I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!"

Zidane Vs. Fidel Castro

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the
fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to
your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third
husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Never trust women

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to
celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to
himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to
spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And
what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All
night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the
husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks
him how can he do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes.
Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes.
Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what,
WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with
one hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the
husband replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

Ready For The Olympic Games 2008

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big I
can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -
try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said, "Here -you try on mine. He did and said, "I can't get into
your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."