29 March 2008

- Mariah Carey Lyrics

Big Snake

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she
called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

Human Tetris

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos.
The blonde asks a co-worker, "What does it do?" He says it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold.
The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice
cream and tea.

Fort Boyard with Krasi Vankov

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the
library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the
sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and
starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It
says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and
she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts
drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

Fishing Fun

25 March 2008

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Bulgaria - Beyond The Crowd

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.

Comedy Football - Don't Mistake

18 March 2008

Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.

King Football

17 March 2008

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!

Macho or Gay

16 March 2008

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Womens Changing Room Surprise

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
There really is one.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors allaround.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Angelina Jolie "WANTED" Movie Trailer

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."

Compilation: Best Skills!

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

The Most Hilarious Urban Football Ever

15 March 2008

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

America's Funniest Videos 2

12 March 2008


He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met someone else???


Leafs lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Americas Funniest Videos

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Hilarious Biker Smoke Prank

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"

Top 10 Unlucky Shots

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."

Guy Falls Off His Bike But It Keeps On Racing

10 March 2008

"WOMEN." So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet
so powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an "experience man".
If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way."

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, "Oh! it's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If she talks, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short,
Oh God!! You created those creatures called
So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so
powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O Lord, tell me what to do, A MEN!!!."

Pictures at the Perfect Moment

Women think they already know everything, but
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms Video, Lyrics

09 March 2008

Victoria Beckham Vogue Shoot

What do women and tile floors have in common?
Lay 'em good once and you'll never have any more trouble out of em.

Q: How are toilets different from women?
A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

If a woman could change a man into any mammal, what would it be?
A whale - because it has a thirty foot tongue, and can breathe out of
the top of its head!

Why Girls Don't Fart

What's the difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story....
18 - You tell her a story then take her to bed...
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed....
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed....
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story...

Adidas Originals: Original Games

08 March 2008

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into

World's Top 20 Most Interesting Facts

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

You Must See It!

An actual ad in the London Times.
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Amazing Hole In The World

Please note that the bank is installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.


* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card


1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake

Dumb Women Vs Parking Gate

Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday" And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!