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There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor
and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet
for three days
"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your
diet. Then skip the third day."
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for
the first two days, then she skipped the third day.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is
your diet?"
She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was
hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."
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Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad
in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and
applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job
because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would
do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long
consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The
manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he
arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
testicles!''
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
John Chow
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow
blonde?''
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Hot Pamela Anderson Photos
05 October 2008
DON'T FORGET THIS MOMENTS
03 October 2008
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Q:How do you know you're in a gay church?
A:Only half of the congregation is kneeling!
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Q:What do gay guys call their condoms?
A:Mud flaps!
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Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass.
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Q:How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
A:He spits on his partners back.
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Q:What another word for a gay farmer?
A:A jolly rancher.
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Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Wow! You really do taste like chicken.
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Q:What do gay guys eat for dessert?
A:Nuts on top of a brownie.
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Jennifer Aniston
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.
Q:Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A:A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Q:What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q:Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A:They can't find the zipper.
FIFA Top 10
29 September 2008
9. PORTUGAL
8. CZECH REPUBLIC
7. ARGENTINA
6. BRAZIL
5. CROATIA
4. NETHERLANDS
3. GERMANY
2. ITALY
1. SPAIN
FIFA RANGLIST
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
Body Art
25 September 2008
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer
asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't
know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every
time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the
answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer
asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the
Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer
five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four
legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but
finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked
her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer
five dollars.
======================================================================
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those
annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a
game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her
anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get
it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each
question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give
me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay
you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know
and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and
only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the
Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives
her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
Pamukkale
25 August 2008
Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary
wakes and starts shaking Bill.
Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you
want?"
"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.
Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."
"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Bulgaria - Beyond The Crowd
25 March 2008
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
Macho or Gay
16 March 2008
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Affair In The Wrong House
24 February 2008
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''
Celebreties In 2040
04 February 2008
bum, please?" The baker laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bun,
sure, here you go." The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He
asks the clerk, "Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?" The clerk laughs
and says, "Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!" The Mexican then
goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, "May i have a
Cockandspankit?" The manager laughs and says. "I think i misunderstood
you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel. On his way home, the Mexican loses
the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells
at a woman and asks, "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it, while I
go get my cock and spank it?"
words the Mexican needs to know in order to be all right in the city:
The White man says these words are: green, pink, and yellow. Then the
White man says ''Now tell me a sentence using all three words.'' The
Mexican says ''I hear de telephona ah greena greena, I pink up de
phona and say ah yellow?"
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said,
"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to
buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said,
"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask
me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was
leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I
heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you
should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck
with an $80,000 mortgage!"
You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup
You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly
French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you
Bug lamps appear to you as a curse
On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address
Kermit is your idol
You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit
Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times
You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium
France is the evil empire to you
TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A FROG
10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a
prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You're above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.
5. Most restaurants have a "no croaking" section.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!
1. It sure beats being a newt.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing
and saying, "I don't think so."
-Are you indisposed?
And the other answers:
-No!!! Why are you always asking me that?
The first frog says:
-You always look so green!!...
So, being the lovely Princess that she was, she puckered up and bent down to kiss the little frog.
The Frog suddenly leaped back, recoiling in horror!
"Please, NO! For God's sake, I've been a frog for years! I have a wife and
hundreds of kids, and THEY'RE ALL FROGS!"
The doctor leaps up and says:
"Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"
The frog looks down and replies:
"I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"
"Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa says:
"Honey, why do you want me to do that?"
And the little girls says:
"Well, Daddy said that when you croak, we all get to go to Disney World!"
beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
How will look some celebreties with 80kilos more
01 February 2008
You cry when you cut up an onion.
Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, ir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a
son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
"Oy."
"Oy vey."
"Oy vey's mir"
"Please, let's not discuss the children !"
good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and
smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.
A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender
over. "Listen, I'd really like to meet that girl, can you help me".
Sure says the bartender, "have you ever heard of Jewish Fly".
"No, is it like Spanish Fly", replys the man.
"Much better than that." says the bartender.
The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the jewish fly of course) and
gives it to her. A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes
and she began to lick her lips suggestively. The man walks over, sits down
and says "May I get you another drink"
"No", she says in a deep sexy voice,
"But you can take me shopping"
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude-,
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
