Ice Cream

10 October 2008

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Ninja cat comes closer while not moving!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the
passion and mystery I found there."

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."


09 October 2008

How to Interpret a Job Ad

You'll be making under $6 an hour.

You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.

We're can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

Don't expect management to answer questions

After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and
a $35 co-pay.
The Future of Advertising
by Joe Lavin --

We are now at the dawn of a new information age, and as you all know
this means one thing. More damn commercials. Yes, the 21st Century
(Sponsored in part by McDonald's. Have you had your break today?) is
almost here, and as we get ready for it, we will no doubt be pummeled by
more and more advertising.

I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. I don't really hate advertising.
Usually, it's harmless, and if I don't like it, I can just ignore it. But the
future of advertising is starting to scare me.

A while back, there was a Frontline documentary on PBS about
advertising in the information age. It was quite fascinating, and I was
able to learn many things, including (1) the fact that advertisers are now
able to track many of your purchases, (2) the fact that advertisers can
use this information to target advertising to you specifically, and (3) the
fact that Holy @#$$! I was watching PBS. Wow! There really must have
been nothing good on TV.

George Orwell apparently had it wrong. Big Brother is not the
government. He's an advertising agency, and sometime around 2057
when the President of Time Warner Disney AT&T Microsoft is elected
to become the President of the United States as well, Big Brother and the
government will merge as one.

Well, maybe I'm being a tad paranoid about the future. (The Future!
Sponsored in part by Microsoft. Where do you want to go today? . . .
Oh, actually, you can't go there. You're going here instead.) But I can't
help being paranoid. Actually, the Frontline reporter was even more
paranoid than I. At one point, he asked a man from Bell Atlantic about all

"So, basically, you can track any purchase I make with this new


"So, in other words, if last year I were to have bought an especially
embarrassing product --"

"You mean like that Nasty Nympho Action video you bought August

"Um, that was a hypothetical question."

"Oh, right sorry. . . . Good flick, though. Much better than that bondage
video you rented last weekend."

"Um, could we maybe go to a commercial or something?"

"This is PBS. You don't have any."


Well, I paraphrase slightly, but the host was clearly troubled by the
implications of the new technology. Basically, any transaction you make
without cash has the potential to be tracked by someone somewhere.
Whereas advertisers now attempt to target people of a specific age
group or income bracket, in the future they will be increasingly able to
target you. Just you.

Companies already do this, of course. That's the whole theory behind
direct mail marketing -- not to mention all those supermarket discount
cards that are suddenly so prevalent. I once heard an interview with a
man who wrote a book about direct mail marketing. (If I were a real
journalist, this is where I would, like, tell you the name of the book or
something.) This author tracked his junk mail for a year. He even created
an imaginary pregnant woman and ordered maternity clothing for her.
Nine months later, the imaginary woman received complimentary diapers
in the mail from another company. The advertisers of the world are
watching, and in the future they will only get better.

This sounds worse than it really is. You don't have to let the powers that
be know about all your purchases, but it will no doubt become
increasingly more difficult not to play along. In the future, we will all
have to face a battle between our privacy and convenience. I suspect I
will probably choose convenience. Like everyone, I do have my
occasional indiscretions, but I really can't imagine anyone bored enough
to care about what I'm doing. I wish I led a scandalous life, but I simply

Also, I have a terrible confession to make. I rather like junk mail. If it's
boring, I just throw it away, and occasionally, such as the time when the
previous occupant was receiving a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog,
junk mail can be a fine wondrous thing.

It can also be fun. I routinely get mail addressed to The Joe Lavin
Foundation, because that's what I usually write when asked for my
company. Once, I was especially bored and wrote "Omnipotent One" for
my Title. Sure enough, a few months later, I received an advertisement
addressed to:

Joe Lavin
Omnipotent One
The Joe Lavin Foundation

Next time, I'm thinking of writing "International Love Machine" as my
title. I can't wait to read the mail I get.
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin


Ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

On the plane:

1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
though something smells really bad.

3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more
frustrated in her attempts to understand you.

4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front
of you be removed.

5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the
pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and
vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board
for the next person.

8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
be reseated.

(WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
are good ways to shut them up:

* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

At the hotel:

1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
hotel chain.

2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
bed has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
you've gone out for the day.

4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
At the restaurant:

1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

2. Bring your own food.

3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If
the server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell
them "THAT'S IN PLAY!"

5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
tie and boxer shorts.


VW Golf GTI W12-650

05 October 2008

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something
so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect
since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do
something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't
you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is
why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a
new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well,
not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
there were all these Italians fishing off it."

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There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor
and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet
for three days

"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your
diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for
the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is
your diet?"

She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was
hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad
in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and
applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job
because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would
do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long
consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The
manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he
arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
John Chow
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow

The Animals Save the Planet

04 October 2008

TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tippex. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Blast! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."


1. " Jesus' name. Amen."

Crazy DEER

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!


03 October 2008


Q:How do you know you're in a gay church?
A:Only half of the congregation is kneeling!
Q:What do gay guys call their condoms?
A:Mud flaps!
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass.
Q:How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
A:He spits on his partners back.
Q:What another word for a gay farmer?
A:A jolly rancher.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Wow! You really do taste like chicken.
Q:What do gay guys eat for dessert?
A:Nuts on top of a brownie.

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Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

Q:Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A:A blonde tried to shoot herself!

Q:What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q:Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A:They can't find the zipper.

Fuckin EuroIdiots

02 October 2008