FIFA Top 10

29 September 2008

10. TURKEY
turkey football fan
9. PORTUGAL
Portugal football fan
8. CZECH REPUBLIC
Czech Republic fans
7. ARGENTINA
Argentina football fans
6. BRAZIL
BRAZIL FOOTBALL FAN
5. CROATIA
Croatia Football Fan
4. NETHERLANDS
Netherlands Football Fan
3. GERMANY
Germany Football Fan
2. ITALY
Italy football fan
1. SPAIN
Spain Football Fan

FIFA RANGLIST

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Jaqueline Big Brother SWEET


One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

======================================================

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
======================================================

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Chickens watching Survivor


Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Meet Kelly Survivor Gabon

28 September 2008


Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken
place between help desk people and their customers:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Survivor BG TopLess Margo

video
If AOL Was a City


You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.

You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"


Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.

You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"

You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
playing there.

Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

Body Art

25 September 2008

Nice Body Art


Girls body art


Body art


Tattoo


Hair Body Art


A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer
asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't
know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every
time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the
answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer
asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the
Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer
five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four
legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but
finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked
her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer
five dollars.


======================================================================

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those
annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a
game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her
anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get
it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each
question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give
me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay
you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know
and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and
only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the
Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives
her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

Golf V Gti V.s. Golf V R32 V.s. Audi S3


Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police
station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show
them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a
description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered
it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile
shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second
blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are
seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third
blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think
before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's
wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture
and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into
the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot
was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and
asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else
here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye
and one ear, now, can he?''

Bi-Turbo R32 vs. M3

23 September 2008


A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the
woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair.
The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the
end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the
blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

Funny Bloopers


A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big
baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before
she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this
TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Big Brother 4 Live Feed


A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can
count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think
it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then
anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her
mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you
think its because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen
years old."

Emmanuelle Vaugier


A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone
says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint
the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves,
she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka
and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to
do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's
with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

Nissan Independent Suspension

18 September 2008

Cheater

13 September 2008



A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".


Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his
first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

Mona Lisa


Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides
of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf
before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be
pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess
heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to
Switzerland before the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for
at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it
is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be
sustained.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the
second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30
minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always
miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots
b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain
her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain
before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum
kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23.
Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick)
unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

Scary Video Effect Prank

10 September 2008


TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A FROG

10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a
prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You're above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.
5. Most restaurants have a "no croaking" section.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!
1. It sure beats being a newt.

One frog says to another:
-Are you indisposed?
And the other answers:
-No!!! Why are you always asking me that?
The first frog says:
-You always look so green!!...

Stupid


drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, "Bartender! Another drink."

The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you've had enough."

"Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?"

"Sure," the bartender says. "But it's gotta be pretty cool."

The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song.
The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another.

"No way," the bartender says. "Now you've really had enough."

"If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler," says the drunk.
The bartender agrees.
The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music.
The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink.

A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, "You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now."

"Not for sale," the drunk croaks.

"Ok, $500,000 just for the frog."

"Not for sale."

"Ok, $500,000 just for the rat."

The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves.
The bartender says to the drunk, "What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!"
"Not really," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."

Kid Rock "All Summer Long" Music Video

08 September 2008


All Summer Long

It was 1989 my thoughts were short my hair was long
Caught somewhere between a boy and man,
She was 17 and she was far from in-between
It was summer-time in Northern Michigan

Splashing through the sand-bar, talking by the camp fire,
It's the simple things in life like when and where
We didn't have no internet but man I never will forget
The way the moon light shined upon her hair

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Catching walleye from the dock watching the waves roll off the rocks
She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We blister in the sun we couldn't wait for night to come
To hit that saving place of rock and roll

While, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I hear that song and I start to sing along
And think, Man I'd love to see that girl again

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

We were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long