If AOL Was a City
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"
Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.
Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.
The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.
Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
28 September 2008