Cartoons of famous people

Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin......

A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he
was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the
floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.

In Hell: the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have
24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Q: Just what did you do to try to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: You say you are innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the
convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans.
The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of
an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one
of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head).
The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader?
What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond.
The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his
report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and
as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they
have d1cks so long, they hang them from their ear."

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight
trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing
next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied,
"I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride
right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing
this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As
they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector
brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his
finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which
the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she
demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure
am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.

Lance Armstrong - Nike commercial

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''

Seven Wonders of the Modern World

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to
ask
questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you

Coca cola

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.
Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Famous people as children

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Hamster

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at the old man. The old man took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at the old man and said: "Alright Dad, quit showing off!"

Porsche Drawing

The 10 reasons beer is better than sex
1: A beer never talks back
2: A beer never gets jealous when you have another beer
3: A beer always tastes good
4: A beer never has to wash up before you have it
5: A beer never checks out another beer
6: A beer never whines
7: you can always have another beer
8: Beer comes in 6, 12, and 24 packs for maximum enjoyment
9: you never have to wait for beer
10: Beer goes down smooth....