Alcohol Makes Girls Sexy!!!

Q: How does a blonde guy take a shower?
A: He pees against the wind.

He is Good Man

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on
either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the
middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's
blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I
could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

Adidas Originals: Original Games

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 2

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 1

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's
my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

funny commercial

Why small town lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do.
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

Bridgestone - Critters Scream

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires
a new CEO. He immediately declares his intention to
rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a man
leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and
he wants to let them know he means business.
The CEO walks up to the man and asks: "And how much
money do you make in a week?" The young man calmly
replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"
The CEO hands the man $200 in cash and screams:
"Here's a week's pay. Now get out and don't come
back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to
tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters: "He's the delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

FedEx - Pigeon Carriers

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!

Audi - The Godfather

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were
chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking
for work."

Thrillicious: 2008 Sobe Life Water Super Bowl Ad

Doctors Out Hunting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first
to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to
get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was
long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The
fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this
dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Bud Light - Will Ferrell

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical glove -"Do you know how they make
these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with
a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand
size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right
onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."
Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the
slightest bit.
A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth
because she burst out laughing.
The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.
The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they
must make condoms!"

AMP - Stranded Motorist

Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They look to the Marine. "Private," the Marine Corps General commands.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Tide To Go - Screaming Stain

A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse me, may I have a
bum, please?" The baker laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bun,
sure, here you go." The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He
asks the clerk, "Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?" The clerk laughs
and says, "Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!" The Mexican then
goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, "May i have a
Cockandspankit?" The manager laughs and says. "I think i misunderstood
you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel. On his way home, the Mexican loses
the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells
at a woman and asks, "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it, while I
go get my cock and spank it?"

Diet Pepsi Max - Nod

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't
able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and
scratches. Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob
comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is
almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy
cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the
heck is a pinata?"

Budweiser - Beer Wagon Team

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two
large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered
Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The
guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases
Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's
shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing
happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The
guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated
every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and
the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the
guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy.
It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me,
what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Bud Light - Caveman Wheel

A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a famous local
restaurant. They ask the waiter's opinion about what to order, and he
tells them they have a special each Sunday that's wonderful, so the
couple orders that.With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving
platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping; it
smells delicious and tastes even better.The couple are delighted with their meal and ask the waiter just what the fabulous meat dish was. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate.
The couple are a bit taken aback by what they had just eaten, but
it was delicious, so they get over it. Six months later, the couple returns back in Mexico City and decide to go to the same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they
order the same dish. Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge
silver serving dish and places it on the table. But this time there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one. The man says, "excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this one so small?" The waiter smiles and replies, " Well you see, senor, sometimes
the bull wins!"

Victoria's Secret Adriana Lima

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going
to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there
is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you
what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten
dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and
said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm
water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must
be a fraud.
So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine,
his dog's urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He
brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After
a minute the paper came out and said, ''The tap water has lead, the
dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she's not your
daughter.''

Magnetic Attraction Pepsi Stuff Super Bowl Justin Timberlake

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the
passion and mystery I found there."
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they questioned.
The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."

Lance Armstrong - Nike commercial

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''

Coca cola

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.
Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"