Ninja cat comes closer while not moving!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the
passion and mystery I found there."

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."

The Animals Save the Planet

TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tippex. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Blast! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

AND THE number 1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK...

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

Crazy DEER

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

Chickens watching Survivor

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Crazy Animals

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She
called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles
she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the
blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put
back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the
mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the
blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped
the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are
only 40,000 miles on it!"

Big Snake

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she
called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

Fishing Fun

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Pictures at the Perfect Moment

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Pussy Drawing

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

bull gives good lesson to curious spectator

Prison Life vs a Full-Time Job


In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Bridgestone - Critters Scream

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires
a new CEO. He immediately declares his intention to
rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a man
leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and
he wants to let them know he means business.
The CEO walks up to the man and asks: "And how much
money do you make in a week?" The young man calmly
replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"
The CEO hands the man $200 in cash and screams:
"Here's a week's pay. Now get out and don't come
back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to
tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters: "He's the delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

FedEx - Pigeon Carriers

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!

Hamster

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at the old man. The old man took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at the old man and said: "Alright Dad, quit showing off!"