Victoria Beckham Vogue Shoot

What do women and tile floors have in common?
Lay 'em good once and you'll never have any more trouble out of em.


Q: How are toilets different from women?
A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.


Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.


If a woman could change a man into any mammal, what would it be?
A whale - because it has a thirty foot tongue, and can breathe out of
the top of its head!

Why Girls Don't Fart

What's the difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story....
18 - You tell her a story then take her to bed...
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed....
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed....
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story...

Adidas Originals: Original Games

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.

World's Top 20 Most Interesting Facts

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

You Must See It!

An actual ad in the London Times.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Amazing Hole In The World

Please note that the bank is installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.


MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card

Girls:

1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake

Dumb Women Vs Parking Gate

Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday" And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!