Laugh Tube For Funny Videos ,Cool Photos And Jokes

Stupid

2009-09-10T11:03:00.001+03:00

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......................... ............. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer

Useless Facts

2009-09-10T11:02:00.001+03:00

1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.

9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .

10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.

14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.

20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Optical illusion

2009-09-10T11:00:00.000+03:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

Scott Joplin - The Entertainer

2009-04-11T21:14:00.001+03:00

Pimp My Ride - Ice Cream Truck

2009-04-11T20:26:00.006+03:00

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Blonde

2009-01-13T20:02:00.002+02:00

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!'''

Currency Trading ...

2008-12-05T23:44:00.001+02:00

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The
guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this
year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the
man taught her and said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet you go in the
air." The blonde agreed.

He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how
she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed
him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But
right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she
started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull
her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she
was doing perfect before. The blonde said, ''At 2500 feet, I started
to get cold so I turned the big fan off.''

Ice Cream

2008-10-10T19:10:00.000+03:00

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Ninja cat comes closer while not moving!

2008-10-10T19:09:00.000+03:00

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the
passion and mystery I found there."

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."

SHOOOOTGUN

2008-10-09T23:05:00.002+03:00

===============================================
How to Interpret a Job Ad

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER":
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING":
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":
We're can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED":
Don't expect management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS":
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and
a $35 co-pay.
===============================================
The Future of Advertising
by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com

We are now at the dawn of a new information age, and as you all know
this means one thing. More damn commercials. Yes, the 21st Century
(Sponsored in part by McDonald's. Have you had your break today?) is
almost here, and as we get ready for it, we will no doubt be pummeled by
more and more advertising.

I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. I don't really hate advertising.
Usually, it's harmless, and if I don't like it, I can just ignore it. But the
future of advertising is starting to scare me.

A while back, there was a Frontline documentary on PBS about
advertising in the information age. It was quite fascinating, and I was
able to learn many things, including (1) the fact that advertisers are now
able to track many of your purchases, (2) the fact that advertisers can
use this information to target advertising to you specifically, and (3) the
fact that Holy @#$$! I was watching PBS. Wow! There really must have
been nothing good on TV.

George Orwell apparently had it wrong. Big Brother is not the
government. He's an advertising agency, and sometime around 2057
when the President of Time Warner Disney AT&T Microsoft is elected
to become the President of the United States as well, Big Brother and the
government will merge as one.

Well, maybe I'm being a tad paranoid about the future. (The Future!
Sponsored in part by Microsoft. Where do you want to go today? . . .
Oh, actually, you can't go there. You're going here instead.) But I can't
help being paranoid. Actually, the Frontline reporter was even more
paranoid than I. At one point, he asked a man from Bell Atlantic about all
this.

"So, basically, you can track any purchase I make with this new
technology?"

"Yes."

"So, in other words, if last year I were to have bought an especially
embarrassing product --"

"You mean like that Nasty Nympho Action video you bought August
23rd?"

"Um, that was a hypothetical question."

"Oh, right sorry. . . . Good flick, though. Much better than that bondage
video you rented last weekend."

"Um, could we maybe go to a commercial or something?"

"This is PBS. You don't have any."

"Oh."

Well, I paraphrase slightly, but the host was clearly troubled by the
implications of the new technology. Basically, any transaction you make
without cash has the potential to be tracked by someone somewhere.
Whereas advertisers now attempt to target people of a specific age
group or income bracket, in the future they will be increasingly able to
target you. Just you.

Companies already do this, of course. That's the whole theory behind
direct mail marketing -- not to mention all those supermarket discount
cards that are suddenly so prevalent. I once heard an interview with a
man who wrote a book about direct mail marketing. (If I were a real
journalist, this is where I would, like, tell you the name of the book or
something.) This author tracked his junk mail for a year. He even created
an imaginary pregnant woman and ordered maternity clothing for her.
Nine months later, the imaginary woman received complimentary diapers
in the mail from another company. The advertisers of the world are
watching, and in the future they will only get better.

This sounds worse than it really is. You don't have to let the powers that
be know about all your purchases, but it will no doubt become
increasingly more difficult not to play along. In the future, we will all
have to face a battle between our privacy and convenience. I suspect I
will probably choose convenience. Like everyone, I do have my
occasional indiscretions, but I really can't imagine anyone bored enough
to care about what I'm doing. I wish I led a scandalous life, but I simply
don't.

Also, I have a terrible confession to make. I rather like junk mail. If it's
boring, I just throw it away, and occasionally, such as the time when the
previous occupant was receiving a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog,
junk mail can be a fine wondrous thing.

It can also be fun. I routinely get mail addressed to The Joe Lavin
Foundation, because that's what I usually write when asked for my
company. Once, I was especially bored and wrote "Omnipotent One" for
my Title. Sure enough, a few months later, I received an advertisement
addressed to:

Joe Lavin
Omnipotent One
The Joe Lavin Foundation

Next time, I'm thinking of writing "International Love Machine" as my
title. I can't wait to read the mail I get.
_________
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin

===============================================

Ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

On the plane:

1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
though something smells really bad.

3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more
frustrated in her attempts to understand you.

4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front
of you be removed.

5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the
pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and
vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board
for the next person.

8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
be reseated.

(WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
are good ways to shut them up:

* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the hotel:

1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
hotel chain.

2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
bed has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
you've gone out for the day.

4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the restaurant:

1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

2. Bring your own food.

3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If
the server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell
them "THAT'S IN PLAY!"

5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
tie and boxer shorts.

===============================================

VW Golf GTI W12-650

2008-10-05T13:46:00.000+03:00

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something
so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect
since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do
something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't
you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is
why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect
it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a
new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well,
not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
there were all these Italians fishing off it."

Hot Pamela Anderson Photos

2008-10-05T12:07:00.007+03:00

====================================================
There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor
and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet
for three days

"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your
diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for
the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is
your diet?"

She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was
hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."
====================================================
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad
in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and
applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job
because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would
do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long
consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The
manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he
arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
testicles!''
====================================================
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
John Chow
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow
blonde?''
====================================================

The Animals Save the Planet

2008-10-04T20:56:00.008+03:00

TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tippex. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Blast! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

AND THE number 1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK...

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

Crazy DEER

2008-10-04T20:37:00.002+03:00

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

DON'T FORGET THIS MOMENTS

2008-10-03T20:22:00.004+03:00

==========================================================
Q:How do you know you're in a gay church?
A:Only half of the congregation is kneeling!
==========================================================
Q:What do gay guys call their condoms?
A:Mud flaps!
==========================================================
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass.
==========================================================
Q:How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
A:He spits on his partners back.
==========================================================
Q:What another word for a gay farmer?
A:A jolly rancher.
==========================================================
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Wow! You really do taste like chicken.
==========================================================
Q:What do gay guys eat for dessert?
A:Nuts on top of a brownie.
==========================================================

Jennifer Aniston

2008-10-03T20:14:00.005+03:00

================================================

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

================================================

Q:Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A:A blonde tried to shoot herself!

================================================

Q:What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

================================================

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

================================================

Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

================================================

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

================================================

Q:Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A:They can't find the zipper.

Fuckin EuroIdiots

2008-10-02T22:08:00.002+03:00

FIFA Top 10

2008-09-29T14:25:00.004+03:00

10. TURKEY

9. PORTUGAL

8. CZECH REPUBLIC

7. ARGENTINA

6. BRAZIL

5. CROATIA

4. NETHERLANDS

3. GERMANY

2. ITALY

1. SPAIN

FIFA RANGLIST

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Jaqueline Big Brother SWEET

2008-09-29T10:24:00.002+03:00

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

======================================================

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

======================================================

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Chickens watching Survivor

2008-09-29T10:20:00.000+03:00

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Meet Kelly Survivor Gabon

2008-09-28T22:10:00.004+03:00

Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken
place between help desk people and their customers:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Survivor BG TopLess Margo

2008-09-28T22:03:00.004+03:00

If AOL Was a City

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.

You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.

You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"

You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
playing there.

Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

Body Art

2008-09-25T19:51:00.006+03:00

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer
asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't
know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every
time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the
answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer
asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the
Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer
five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four
legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but
finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked
her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer
five dollars.

======================================================================

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those
annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a
game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her
anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get
it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each
question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give
me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay
you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know
and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and
only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the
Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives
her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

Golf V Gti V.s. Golf V R32 V.s. Audi S3

2008-09-25T19:47:00.000+03:00

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police
station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show
them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a
description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered
it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile
shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second
blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are
seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third
blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think
before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's
wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture
and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into
the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot
was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and
asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else
here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye
and one ear, now, can he?''

Bi-Turbo R32 vs. M3

2008-09-23T21:39:00.001+03:00

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the
woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair.
The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the
end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the
blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

Funny Bloopers

2008-09-23T21:34:00.000+03:00

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big
baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before
she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this
TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Big Brother 4 Live Feed

2008-09-23T21:33:00.002+03:00

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can
count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think
it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then
anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her
mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you
think its because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen
years old."

Emmanuelle Vaugier

2008-09-23T21:29:00.001+03:00

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone
says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint
the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves,
she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka
and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to
do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's
with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

Nissan Independent Suspension

2008-09-18T15:24:00.000+03:00

Cheater

2008-09-13T17:29:00.002+03:00

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his
first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

Mona Lisa

2008-09-13T17:21:00.001+03:00

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides
of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf
before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be
pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess
heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to
Switzerland before the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for
at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it
is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be
sustained.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the
second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30
minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always
miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots
b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain
her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain
before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum
kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23.
Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick)
unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

Scary Video Effect Prank

2008-09-10T19:35:00.001+03:00

TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A FROG

10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a
prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You're above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.
5. Most restaurants have a "no croaking" section.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!
1. It sure beats being a newt.

One frog says to another:
-Are you indisposed?
And the other answers:
-No!!! Why are you always asking me that?
The first frog says:
-You always look so green!!...

Stupid

2008-09-10T19:33:00.002+03:00

drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, "Bartender! Another drink."

The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you've had enough."

"Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?"

"Sure," the bartender says. "But it's gotta be pretty cool."

The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song.
The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another.

"No way," the bartender says. "Now you've really had enough."

"If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler," says the drunk.
The bartender agrees.
The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music.
The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink.

A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, "You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now."

"Not for sale," the drunk croaks.

"Ok, $500,000 just for the frog."

"Not for sale."

"Ok, $500,000 just for the rat."

The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves.
The bartender says to the drunk, "What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!"
"Not really," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."

Kid Rock "All Summer Long" Music Video

2008-09-08T21:14:00.000+03:00

All Summer Long

It was 1989 my thoughts were short my hair was long
Caught somewhere between a boy and man,
She was 17 and she was far from in-between
It was summer-time in Northern Michigan

Splashing through the sand-bar, talking by the camp fire,
It's the simple things in life like when and where
We didn't have no internet but man I never will forget
The way the moon light shined upon her hair

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Catching walleye from the dock watching the waves roll off the rocks
She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We blister in the sun we couldn't wait for night to come
To hit that saving place of rock and roll

While, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I hear that song and I start to sing along
And think, Man I'd love to see that girl again

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

We were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Beach Bloopers Compilation!

2008-08-28T21:49:00.001+03:00

Pamukkale

2008-08-25T18:30:00.005+03:00

Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary
wakes and starts shaking Bill.

Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you
want?"

"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.

Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."

"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Serdar Ortac - Seytan

2008-08-25T16:43:00.001+03:00

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Women, Now You Can...PEE STANDING UP!

2008-08-24T21:56:00.001+03:00

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and
whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the
field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President
Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

Bad Day at the Gym

2008-08-07T21:23:00.000+03:00

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a
question on the final exam.
The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience.
Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He
wrote:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a
child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius
friend who lived overseas.

Monopoly

2008-08-07T21:20:00.000+03:00

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were
rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review
system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem."

Stupid Goalkeepers

2008-08-07T21:14:00.001+03:00

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese
bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."
The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?
The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

Xtreem

2008-08-07T21:12:00.001+03:00

How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, "Excuse it, please."
He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."

Chris Norman - Some Hearts Are Diamonds

2008-08-07T21:09:00.000+03:00

Open your heart to all
of those years

Baby
you look through a rainbow of tears.
You watched your dreams
all fadin' away

This time you're right
oh
you make my day.
Years may come
years may go
But I still love you and I
want you to know:

Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone

Some days you're tired
of being alone.
Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/dq6 ]

It takes two lovers to be as one.

Illusions of love
they'll come and they'll go

Trust in your heart
maybe your love will grow.
Your silent tears they're
so full of pride

Baby
I know that you can't run and hide.
You need love like I do

I hope you want me like I
know I want you.

Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone
. . .
Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone -
Some hearts arr diamonds
some hearts are stone

Some days you're tired
of being alone

Some hearts are diamonds.

How to park digger

2008-05-26T20:45:00.000+03:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when
they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their
tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into
them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees
the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.

Lil Wayne ft. Static Major - Lollipop [Uncensored]

2008-05-17T21:07:00.001+03:00

- Lil' Wayne Lyrics

The Most Stupid Player In Deal No Deal

2008-05-12T20:39:00.000+03:00

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every
part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve
just got a broken index finger."

Sexy Girl Aksinia Flirt

2008-05-12T20:37:00.000+03:00

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the
town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over
and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''

Smashing Funny Videos

2008-05-12T20:32:00.001+03:00

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young
blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

Alcohol Makes Girls Sexy!!!

2008-05-05T23:44:00.000+03:00

Q: How does a blonde guy take a shower?
A: He pees against the wind.

2008-05-05T23:41:00.000+03:00

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any
rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of
the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from
the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new
months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

He is Good Man

2008-05-05T23:40:00.001+03:00

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on
either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the
middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's
blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I
could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

Crazy Animals

2008-05-05T23:38:00.001+03:00

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She
called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles
she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the
blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put
back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the
mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the
blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped
the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are
only 40,000 miles on it!"

Funny Kids

2008-05-05T23:37:00.000+03:00

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad
in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and
applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job
because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would
do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long
consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The
manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he
arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
testicles!''

Bizzy Bone - Nobody Can Stop Me

2008-04-06T22:12:00.001+03:00

- Bizzy Bone Lyrics

That Hurt Toooooo

2008-04-04T21:49:00.000+03:00

It`s hurt

2008-04-01T23:05:00.001+03:00

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

MARIAH CAREY - TOUCH MY BODY

2008-03-29T20:23:00.001+02:00

- Mariah Carey Lyrics

Big Snake

2008-03-29T12:32:00.002+02:00

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she
called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

Human Tetris

2008-03-29T12:14:00.001+02:00

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos.
The blonde asks a co-worker, "What does it do?" He says it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold.
The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice
cream and tea.

Fort Boyard with Krasi Vankov

2008-03-29T11:55:00.001+02:00

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the
library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the
sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and
starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It
says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and
she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts
drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the
ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

Fishing Fun

2008-03-25T10:58:00.000+02:00

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Bulgaria - Beyond The Crowd

2008-03-25T10:54:00.001+02:00

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.

Comedy Football - Don't Mistake

2008-03-18T20:50:00.001+02:00

Woman:
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.

King Football

2008-03-17T21:43:00.001+02:00

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!

Macho or Gay

2008-03-16T23:30:00.003+02:00

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Womens Changing Room Surprise

2008-03-16T18:52:00.001+02:00

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
There really is one.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors allaround.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Angelina Jolie "WANTED" Movie Trailer

2008-03-16T18:50:00.001+02:00

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."

Compilation: Best Skills!

2008-03-16T18:42:00.000+02:00

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

The Most Hilarious Urban Football Ever

2008-03-15T10:34:00.000+02:00

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

America's Funniest Videos 2

2008-03-12T21:44:00.000+02:00

HER SIDE OF THE STORY :

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :

Leafs lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Americas Funniest Videos

2008-03-12T21:39:00.001+02:00

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Hilarious Biker Smoke Prank

2008-03-12T21:35:00.000+02:00

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"

Top 10 Unlucky Shots

2008-03-12T21:33:00.001+02:00

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."

Guy Falls Off His Bike But It Keeps On Racing

2008-03-10T13:07:00.001+02:00

"WOMEN." So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet
so powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an "experience man".
If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way."

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, "Oh! it's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If she talks, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short,
Oh God!! You created those creatures called
"WOMEN."
So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so
powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O Lord, tell me what to do, A MEN!!!."

Pictures at the Perfect Moment

2008-03-10T12:54:00.001+02:00

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms Video, Lyrics

2008-03-09T12:44:00.001+02:00

Victoria Beckham Vogue Shoot

2008-03-09T12:40:00.001+02:00

What do women and tile floors have in common?
Lay 'em good once and you'll never have any more trouble out of em.

Q: How are toilets different from women?
A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

If a woman could change a man into any mammal, what would it be?
A whale - because it has a thirty foot tongue, and can breathe out of
the top of its head!

Why Girls Don't Fart

2008-03-09T12:37:00.001+02:00

What's the difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story....
18 - You tell her a story then take her to bed...
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed....
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed....
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story...

Adidas Originals: Original Games

2008-03-08T11:48:00.000+02:00

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.

World's Top 20 Most Interesting Facts

2008-03-08T11:17:00.001+02:00

You Must See It!

2008-03-08T11:11:00.001+02:00

An actual ad in the London Times.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Amazing Hole In The World

2008-03-08T11:03:00.002+02:00

Please note that the bank is installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card

Girls:

1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake

Dumb Women Vs Parking Gate

2008-03-08T11:01:00.000+02:00

Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday" And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!

Pussy Drawing

2008-02-29T11:27:00.001+02:00

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Painful Slides

2008-02-28T19:03:00.000+02:00

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 2

2008-02-28T18:58:00.001+02:00

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 1

2008-02-28T18:56:00.000+02:00

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's
my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

World In Words

2008-02-27T19:16:00.001+02:00

A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.
The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.
The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."
The crowd exploded in applause; she walked out of the store with a complete refund and a very smug look on her face.

Best Funny Moments in Sports

2008-02-27T13:30:00.001+02:00

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why
don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of
stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's how you get babies". Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye
to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

Affair In The Wrong House

2008-02-24T20:37:00.001+02:00

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

Football

2008-02-23T12:23:00.003+02:00

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his
wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his
little boy and sent this note to his wife:

"THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED."

The wife answered the note and sent it back with the boy. It read:

"TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY."

So he sent another note down. It read:

"THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

"I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!"

Paris Hilton Big Bush

2008-02-23T10:46:00.001+02:00

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Weird Situations

2008-02-22T19:23:00.001+02:00

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's tests results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr.Smith: "what do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.we cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fick her."

Ouch For 120 Seconds

2008-02-21T20:05:00.001+02:00

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.'' He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''
The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''
The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''
''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time...I kinda...''
''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''
The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable,you saved my life. Any others?''
She nodded. ''One more.''
The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''

This Guy Is Unbelievable

2008-02-21T15:53:00.001+02:00

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.
"5th and Main, please."
"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."
"Really? My wife doesn't work."
"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I rive you to work."
"There?"
"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."
"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours,
and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later,
the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman &
Lane.
"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."
There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and
screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out
with a woman in a headlock.
"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.
"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."

Zidane Vs. Fidel Castro

2008-02-20T21:46:00.001+02:00

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the
fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to
your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third
husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Water

2008-02-20T21:29:00.001+02:00

''Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent!''
''I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?''
''Well, the first part you can imagine. But he also burned his tongue
and broke his finger!''

Never trust women

2008-02-19T20:30:00.001+02:00

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to
celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to
himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to
spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And
what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All
night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the
husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks
him how can he do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes.
Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes.
Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what,
WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with
one hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the
husband replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

Belly Dance

2008-02-19T20:28:00.001+02:00

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
-Old Man: Certainly not.
-Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the
time?
-Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.
-Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
-Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may
be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
-Young Man: Quite possible.
-Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and
address.
-Young Man: Quite possible.
-Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by
and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will
appreciate tea and ask who has made it?
-Young Man: Possible
-Old Man: made it Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then
have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my
daughter.
-Young Man: Smiles. ;)
-Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You
will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
-Young Man: Smiles
-Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After
meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for
marriage.
-Young Man: Smiles
-Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love
and ask for my permission. Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
-Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person
like you who does not even own a watch.

Ready For The Olympic Games 2008

2008-02-19T17:43:00.002+02:00

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big I
can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -
try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said, "Here -you try on mine. He did and said, "I can't get into
your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."